Petaluma Mediation

About this Blog by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

You might like to know:         

• My private practice is the Petaluma Mediation and Law Office of Jane Iddings in Petaluma, California.
• I teach divorce and elder mediation at Sonoma State University in Rohnert Park, California.
• My next class I'm teaching at SSU is "Fundamentals of Divorce Mediation" 2 Saturdays, April 21 and 28, 2012, from 9 to 5, $225, 14 hours MCLE/MFT/LCSW. Here's the link to SSU's online catalog http://www.ssuexed.com/course.php?id=249&sem=1&year=2012
•  Here's a short video about elder mediation you can watch:   KSRO 1350 AM and KFRC 1550 AM: The Elder Care Show with Host Kira Reginato "Mending Fences and Building Support Systems" on April 29, 2011. Click here to watch part of the interview on YouTube.
  

 And now about this blog . . .

Got conflict?

The answer is that most people do. Conflict just naturally arises. But conflict isn't the problem. The problem is how to handle the conflict, how to resolve it, how to make essential decisions, how to solve problems.

The purpose of this blog is to discuss conflict and its resolution in bite-sized, practical topics. 

If you'd like to learn more about me, please visit my website, AttorneyJaneIddings.com, by clicking here.

 

Sick Elders Need the Truth, Not Surgery by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

What doctors hate is what sick elders need most: a conversation -- a truthful conversation -- about what their realistic options are.

On October 5, 2011, the New York Times published the results of a recent study about late-in-life surgeries. The study found that the elderly (65+) are having painful, often  useless surgeries just when they need to be saying their good-byes instead.

Click  here to read "Surgery Rate Late In Life Surprises Researchers" by Gina Kolata.

Yes, the conversation is very difficult to have. People have different ideas about what to do whether they're the sick elder, the family members, or the medical team. And yes, many people cannot have these difficult conversations without the help of an expert.

The expert to use?

An elder mediator. She or he can help the sick elder, the family, and medical team to come together; to listen to each other so that they understand each other; to discuss the options and what they mean; and to support the sick elder and others in the family discussion and decision.

So let's put the knife down and talk. Let's  listen and understand until we know what it is that the elder wants. Let's help the elder to make choices that are appropriate for the elder's age and prognosis.

If you want to read about the doctor's dilemma, here's a book about the need for doctors to improve the art and science of prognostication: "Death Foretold: Prophecy and Prognosis in Medical Care" by Nicholas A. Christakis.

About the author: Nicholas A. Christakis, MD, PhD, MPH, is an internist and social scientist who conducts research on social factors that affect health, health care, and longevity. He is Professor of Medical Sociology in the Department of Health Care Policy at Harvard Medical School; Professor of Medicine in the Department of Medicine at Harvard Medical School; and Professor of Sociology in the Department of Sociology in the Harvard Faculty of Arts and Sciences. He is the Master of Pforzheimer House in Harvard College.

 

An Untold 9/11 Story: The Boat Rescue by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm watching the 9/11 Memorial on CNN. I'm learning so much about the heroism, the heartfelt memories.

What surprised me the most was the incredible story of the boat rescue from Manhattan. Thousands of people fled to the end of the island, only to find they were trapped. Boats of every description headed for Manhattan to get them off the island. In 9 hours they rescued over 500,000 people.

In watching this 12 minute video narrated by Tom Hanks your heart will be touched in a whole new way and you will be proud to be an American.

Click here

This video is a project of the Center for National Policy. The website is road2resilience.com.

 

Drinking a cup of green tea, I stop the war by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

"Drinking a cup of green tea, I stop the war."

 

--  Buddhist Proverb   --

 

 

We must stop the conflicts we're engaged in at home, in our communities, at work, in politics, and in the international arena.

 

 

Family As Friends by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

When we leave home as young adults, we think we're on a straight path away from our parents. Our parents think or hope the same thing.

The now-adult children want independence; parents want the same thing for their adult children and for themselves. Both hope that they can stay in touch as family without being entangled in each other's lives.

But it's different now.

More and more adult children return home to live while they save money, search for work, or recover from a divorce. Sometimes they bring their children with them. Sometimes their stay is longer than temporary. Some parents welcome the opportunity to share resources as they too are having a difficult time. Others find the re-filling of the nest a burden.

Some parents -- particularly elders -- who are running out of health and wealth are finding that they now need help from their adult children -- help with daily living, finances, health care, housing, transportation, estate planning, and end-of-life decisions.

When families turn to each other for help -- whether it's the younger or the older generation -- the availability and the quality of that help is going to be dependent on the family relationships.

An important ingredient is friendship so that the help is willingly, not grudgingly, offered -- or not offered at all.

Recently Recourse Mediation Executive Director Cate Griffiths and I were on Kira Reginato's Elder Care Radio Show KSRO 1350 AM and KFRC 1550 AM. We were talking about this very topic which Kira called "Mending Fences." The point we talked about was that family members need each other and there is no time like right now to make sure that your family relationships are intact. Click here to watch a segment of the show on You Tube.

Our families as friends?

Yes, so we can have the love and the support we need and want from our parents, children, siblings, and other family members during both the good times and the bad times.

 

Is Divorce Becoming Less Popular? by Jane Iddings, Blogger

There is a very interesting article in The New York Times about shifting attitudes about divorce: How Divorce Lost Its Groove," by Pamela Paul (6/17/11). Click here to read it.

According to a study done by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, there has been a "striking shift in both beliefs and behavior toward marriage among educated and affluent Americans."

The shift? Among this demographic group, divorce is increasingly seen less favorably -- even as a failure -- especially if children are involved.

The shift is from the 1970s when no-fault divorce allowed more couples to get out of untenable marriages, especially women.

Now with "peer marriages" in which both partners contribute to the marriage -- from child care to cooking -- greater equality helps to keep the marriage together, instead of inequality causing one or the other to bolt for the door.

For parents who choose to divorce, the challenge is huge: how to make sure the kids thrive despite the parents' decision to divorce and how to co-parent from two different households.

This study shows the attitudes and behavior are changing among the affluent, but not the rest of the population. Maybe it's a positive trend that will spread to other demographic groups.

I'm not saying divorce is wrong.

The BIG challenge is to make mature decisions in finding the best mate in the first place. If it doesn't work out, then more mature decisions have to be made about how to divorce sanely and, if there are kids, how to responsibly meet their needs.

As you would expect, my suggestion is to use divorce mediation to help you make the best decisions you can.

Child Custody Disputes by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

I am writing a book about human maturity which explores whether or not we become fully mature adults or just become physically mature but not intellectually, emotionally, socially, financially, sexually, and spiritually mature adults.

As I was writing yesterday, this thought popped up:

If there ever were a poster child for immaturity, it would be parents in an adversarial child custody dispute. Litigated child custody dispute.

Why? Because everyone loses.

Both parents try to "win" by demonizing the other, by trying to destroy the other. The real losers are the kids.

The consequences are immediate. They are also long lasting. Many adults bear the scars of their parents' vicious custody battles waged decades ago.

Many divorcing parents are mature. They agree to a parenting plan. They are willing to be flexible, to be reasonable. If they can't readily agree, they get help from a professional mediator who helps them to have the difficult conversations they need to have to get past their impasse.

Others are not mature, not reasonable. If it's possible you fit in this category, please keep reading.

Ask yourself what behavior you would need to have in order to maturely negotiate with the other parent to agree to a sensible, fair, kind parenting plan?

What immature behavior on your and/or the other parent's part has to change? Anger, drinking, drugs, irresponsibility, untrustworthiness, self-centeredness?

Perhaps you need the help of a professional counselor to help you with your individual problems. Perhaps you need the help of a child specialist to help both of you see what is best for your children.

Author Constance Ahrons has written two brilliant books about mature divorcing.

• "The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Comes Apart"
• "We're Still Family: What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce" which is a follow up study of the same families portrayed in the first book showing how the divorce affected the now adult children.

Both are worth reading if you are facing child custody decisions and/or divorcing.

Remember: Litigation should be your last choice. Mediation is non-adversarial and allows families to reach sane, reasonable, and private agreements.

That's maturity.

Adult Children Helping Aging Parents & Themselves by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

Aging parents need help? But what about us, say the adult children who are also struggling financially?

Sound familiar?

These days, all too familiar.

Here's what Baby Boomers reported in a recent Harris Interactive Poll: 25% said they had no retirement savings and 26% said they had no cash savings (see New York Times article below).

Today there was an article in The Times about yet another family in which the aging parent needs help and the adult daughter who has stepped forward to help her needs financial help herself. Click here to read the article.

The adult daughter has two jobs. She recently bought a house so Mom could move in with her, giving herself the new expense of a mortgage and related ownership costs. She is just now at age 55 face-to-face with her own threadbare finances.

Financial Planner to the rescue:

The adult daughter has engaged a certified financial planner to help her figure out her finances.

The suggestions for the adult daughter? (1) Create and stick to a budget (2) Get long-term care insurance for herself, (3) Consolidate her IRAs into a single account, and (4) in budgeting, get used to cutting back because at retirement, she's going to need to reduce her expenses by 35%!

Where are her siblings? There's no mention of her siblings chipping in on Mom's expenses, although they may be helping with the care giving -- and that can be a huge contribution.  It seems this adult daughter, the youngest of three, is helping not only mom, but at least one of her sisters as well: she's giving her a loan at 2% interest rate.

The financial planner warned the adult daughter that any financial plan she had must be "flexible to take account of the realities of the times."

Have you notice the price of gas? Of lettuce? What we plan for now could be completely different in a year or five or ten -- or tomorrow -- depending on how many wars we're involved in, if we ever get a credible energy policy together, etc.

Time for the Truth Serum:

It's time for us all to take the Truth Serum about our finances -- and plan the best we can for today and tomorrow.

Now if we can just get the government to take the Truth Serum.

 

Elder Independence by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

Treat yourself to a joyful video that shows us that we never stop dreaming, we never stop wanting to be independent and free.

For an "aha" moment about the human spirit, click here.

Elder Mediation: Squabbling Adult Siblings by Jane Iddings, Blogger

 

Squabbling Adult Siblings?

It's very stressful to care for our aging parents. It's even more stressful when we adult siblings start acting like . . . well . . . difficult children or sometimes even (dare I say) immature brats (I think that's an oxymoron).

If you find you and your adult sibs are fighting instead of focusing on helping your aging parents, then here's a suggestion: find out how elder mediation can help you to sit down with a professional, caring mediator who can help you to have the conversation(s) you need to have to help your parents. The mediator helps to identify the issues, structures the conversation, and keeps you focused on the goal: making responsible decisions with and about your parents.

Helping our parents is hard enough. Squabbling with our sibs just makes a difficult situation worse.

Here's an excellent article that can help you learn about elder mediation. It's from AARP (September 20, 2010):

http://www.jkbelz.com/pdfs/AARP-SiblingsNeedElderCareMediation.pdf

Mediation Is the Answer by Jane Iddings, Blogger

If mediation is the answer, what are the questions?

If you're having a family dispute (marital, adult siblings, parents & children, etc. ) what is the best way to:

• Resolve the conflict amicably?
• Preserve the relationships?
• Include a professional "neutral" who doesn't take sides, but who helps you have the difficult conversation you need to have to end the dispute?
  
• Save money?
• Reduce stress?
• Promote mature behavior and thinking?

Mediation is the answer!